Disclaimer:this is long and intense.
Lately I’ve been picking apart my natal chart and really trying to understand myself. Who am I really? Why do I do the things I do? What makes me truly happy, or truly mad?
Truly mad… this is what I want to write about today.
One of the most hurtful things anyone has said to me was, “Janelle, you’re so full of hate and anger!” This has been said to me a few times, and it caused my heart to shatter into a million pieces. This phrase, this criticism, has brought me so much… pain.
The biggest reason this is so hurtful is because that’s not how I view myself. I actually view myself as quite the opposite, I feel like I am a very loving person. But when this has been said to me, I begin to question how I am percieved by the world and consequently, begin to question reality as I know it.
I’ve only been in a few fights in my life, and very few have been intense enough for people to see me at my worst.
I’ve turned to my natal chart in attempt to understand Mad Janelle. Aries Ascendant (quick to anger, but quick to release it), Mercury in Aries (aggressive in arguments), Taurus sun (slow to provoke, but mess with the Bull, you get the horns), and my chart ruler is Mars and he can be found in Capricorn (a practical fighter, but only engage in a fight when I can see it will be worth it). Mars is also in the 10th house, the public personna, so I have an unconscious tendency to fight my battles in a public manner.
Mars in the 10th house is a very interesting aspect. Do I fight my battles in public? Absolutely! I have been writing on this blog for 4 years now, and have brought bits of my biggest fights here.
The biggest battles I have engaged in always have the same theme. It’s not necessarily about the people involved, but an idea or principle close to my heart I feel is being violated and I just have to say something! That’s what initiates them anyway.
I have always been a very vocal supporter of Marriage Equality, even to my extremely conservative relatives. I have been so vocal about this issue I have inadvertently severed ties with extended family.
A relative once commented on my Facebook profile picture. She said my breastfeeding photo was nasty and I should not put that out in public. I need to cover up! This fight was rough because I percieved this criticism as an attack on ALL breastfeeding mothers. I felt it was my duty to make a stand. Breastfeeding is not something to be ashamed of or to hide from society whilst doing. I felt, and still feel, like people needed to see it, we need to normalize it.
This fight was the first time I got the comment that I am so hateful, so full of anger. Being 3 months postpartum, I took it very hard. I questioned my ability to love my own child. A new mother doesn’t need to be told that! A new mother doesn’t need to be told to hide away while she nourishes her child to the best of her ability!
Now my heart is pounding again reliving these emotions. It’s in the past. Breathe.
A got into another fight during my first child’s first year. An aquaintance had a new baby. She said on a Facebook update she wasn’t getting any sleep and her baby was eating all the time. He was less than a month old. She got a lot of good advice, then someone came along and told her to put the baby down and let him cry it out.
I was livid. What kind of advice is that? I jumped in, fists up and said that was HORRIBLE advice! Of course, this turned into a huge argument on a new mother’s Facebook page so I brought it to this blog. I was so mad because, again, it was an attack on all mothers and babies. I see crying it out as straight up neglect and I think this terrible practice needs to end. Now.
In the end I lost a lot of friends over it because I am “so hateful, so angry.”
My husband deployed in 2012. That was a really difficult 7 months. There literally are no words to describe what we all went through. The people that were supposed to be there for me weren’t. I had 2 very small children and I was absolutely alone. One of the people who was supposed to be supporting me was posting all over Facebook about my husband. They were saying they were so pround of him for serving our country. This person had not spoken to my husband or myself in months. No call to see how I was doing. This person was pretending to be supportive publicly, while ignoring my husband, me and our children. They had no right to post on Veteran’s Day how they support the troops and how proud they were of their Veteran when in fact they were showing anything BUT support.
Who wouldn’t be angry about that? I sent this person a private message and said, hey, this isn’t right! I laid it all out for them and told them this behavior needs to stop. I invited them, in a very calm manner, to tell me what I was doing to upset them (because why else were they ignoring me during my time of desparation?). I was ignored completely.
I pressed the issue. I said this is serious, please stop ignoring me. They responded by saying everything was my fault. They have never shown anything but love for me, I just have anger issues.
That relationsip is still active, but I’ve cut emotional ties with them. I obviously can’t rely on them During the 7 hardest months of my life I fell off the face of the earth to them. These are not people I want to have in my inner circle.
I recently was involved in the biggest battle of my entire life. It involved a lot of people. This happened on Facebook as well (seeing a trend here). One of my brothers has been out of the closet and open about being gay for about a year and a half now. My conservative family has had a difficult time accepting his alternate lifestyle.
He posted a picture of him and his boyfriend being romantic (I think one of them was kissing the other’s cheek). Our oldest brother commented on this picture and told him something along the lines of how he was worried for his soul when he is openly sinning against god. I can’t remember what it was he said exactly, but he stated very clearly that he was absolutely unapproving of our brother’s life choices. And he chose to say this very publicly. These days it doesn’t get more public than Facebook.
I was so mad. I was so mad I was shaking. I tried texting our oldest brother, but he was ignoring me. So, I reactivated my several months dead Facebook account so I could fight the fight where it was happening.
My brother who is gay made it clear to everyone that he was done with being treated poorly. If they can’t be loving and accepting, there’s no room in his life for these toxic relationships. He wrote this out so well, so clear and I was so proud of him.
I confronted my entire family about their intolerant behavior and said we need to work this out.
I fight very much like a horned animal. I am straightforward, direct, unrelenting. I plod up the mountain just like Capricorn, stomping as I go. I’m not saying this is a good way to fight, but this is how it’s done for me. I have to get it all out and deal with it. Right now, here it is, let’s do this.
Most everyone in my family has Mars in Leo and a Scorpio moon or sun. They are not pleased with my style of fighting. They much prefer fighting more privately and stinging where it really hurts.
Here we have concentrated Leo, Scorpio, Taurus and Capricorn energies fighting each other. It’s intense. Long story short, there were no winners. We’ve all lost each other.
One of the worst parts of the fight for me, was when someone told me that I was “so hateful, so full of anger” but the thing of it was, it was relatively unprovoked at the time it was said. It hit a very raw nerve and my anger escalated past a controllable level. The Capricorn in me was ashamed.
That makes it at least 4 times people have told me this about myself. But it’s something I don’t see, just like my Aries Ascendant. Maybe it’s an Aries energy that I’m unconscious of. When it was said in the most recent fight was when it hurt more than any other time. It just didn’t make sense.
Then one day, in a sudden jolt of insight while grocery shopping, I realized why this person said that. I felt like I had been slugged in the chest. I couldn’t breathe! I was teetering on the verge of a full-blown panic attack at the grocery store.
The only thing that saved me from intense public humiliation was exercising meditation techniques. Be present. There is no actual danger in the present moment. I am upset about the past. Be present. Look at the food on the shelves…. make conscious note of how my body feels and what I am seeing in the real world. Breathe.
So what was the fight really about and why did it escalate so rapidly? People who are supposed to love and support me don’t! 2 relationships who are seemingly unrelated to each other are getting together and talking about me and laughing! I got wind of some of this gossip a few months ago but didn’t understand that it was an ongoing thing. My family chose to believe false rumors about me. They didn’t ask me for my side of the story, they didn’t stick up for me. They chose to hate me based on rumors.
There’s something else in my natal chart that plays a huge role in every part of my life. It’s an aspect that I’ve misunderstood quite a bit and possibly will for a long time. The way I interpret it right now though, is this. Jupiter conjunct Moon in Pisces in the 12th house. The moon is the planet of emotions, Jupiter is the planet of expansion. Pisces is the depths of the sea of human emotion and the 12th house is the house of all things hidden.
Translation: I experience my emotions in a BIG way. What are the comments I’m getting, anger and hate? Emotions! Just as I experience the negative emotions very powerfully, I also experience the positive emotions very powerfully. When I love, I love with every single fiber of my being. When I get hurt emotionally, I get cut very very deeply. I get sad in a big way. I get happy in a big way. And I communicate to you about my big emotions… in a big way. I can honestly tell you I am not a drama queen. Drama hurts me so much. But I respond to drama dramatically.
I can honeslty say that I was first provoked before I engaged in these battles. And when I did engage, because the universe knows I’ve been passive about most battles, they always involved something much bigger than just myself. I will always fight for the ideals I hold near and dear to my Jupiter-fused heart.
I could go on and on and on, but this doesn’t need to continue at this point. If you’re still reading, I love you. Thank you for going through this with me.
I’ve lost a lot of relationships lately. In fact, most have been dissolved or destroyed in the past year. I’m pretty much down to the people I live with, 2 of my 5 brothers, and that’s it. And I am so grateful to have them. They deserve to be in my inner circle. They have always been so loving and supportive of me. But I’m still very sad. I’m very insecure. I’m drinking too much coffee, eating too much processed foods. I’m not really working out or taking good care of myself.
I’ve lost myself in a sea of yarn and making things for babies I will probably never meet, but they need a snuggly wool blanket, hat and booties. Every baby deserves to be wrapped in cozy wool. Yarn doesn’t make everything better, but it is very soothing to work with.